Spilluminati: The Providence

OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED BY NO ONE. TRUSTED BY THE ELITE.

They told you it was just a coffee table. They were lying.

Introducing Spilluminati: The Providence—a living room centerpiece so sleek, so suspiciously well-designed, it’s clearly more than meets the eye. Crafted from "faux" marble (or is it?) and gilded in "gold-toned metal" (allegedly), this table is either:

A.) A tasteful modern furnishing for your urban loft...
B.) A classified artifact masquerading as décor. (Note the 39.4" length—exactly 1/100th of the Great Pyramid’s base. Coincidence? Unlikely.)

FEATURES THE "POWERS THAT BE" DON’T WANT YOU TO NOTICE:

•  "120lb Load Capacity" — Or exactly the weight of a sealed Ark of the Covenant replica. Convenient.
  
•  "Lower Shelf for Storage" — Ideal for art books... or decrypted Vatican archives. Your call.
  
•  "22lbs Lightweight" — Suspiciously easy to rearrange before "guests" arrive.
  
•  "White + Gold Colorway" — The official palette of secret societies and Instagram influencers. (Ask questions.)

WHY THIS TABLE?

• Gold Frame Geometry: Study the angles under UV light. Report back.

• Assembly Required — Just like the New World Order.

WARNING:

May attract unmarked black vans, enigmatic strangers at parties, and compliments from people who "know too much."

ORDER NOW BEFORE IT’S "DISCONTINUED."
(Supplies are limited. Knowledge is unlimited. Shipping takes 3–5 business days—unless intercepted.)