Spilluminati: The Silent Rite

Open your eyes, sheeple. While "normal" people see a sleek modern table with 16-color LED lighting, those who know understand this is clearly a government-approved observation device disguised as furniture. The truth? This "coffee table" is:

• Recording your late-night snacking habits through its "decorative" high-gloss surface
• Transmitting data via those "convenient" USB ports
• Programming the masses with its hypnotic RGB light patterns

"Coincidental" Features That Prove Everything:

 16-Color "Mood Lighting"
(More like 16 surveillance modes - notice how "calming blue" makes you overshare?)

Ultra-Reflective Surface
For capturing:

• Your fingerprint data

• Your soul's reflection

• That thing you definitely didn't spill

 Suspiciously Convenient Remote - Why does it need exactly 16 functions? Wake up, people.

What "They" Don't Want You to Know:
This table has been:

• Spotted in 37% of "random" home makeover shows

• Featured in every Bond villain lair since 2015

• Quietly replacing all normal furniture in "targeted" neighborhoods

DIMENSIONAL EVIDENCE:
43.4" - The exact length of the average abduction
19.9" - Suspiciously close to Area coordinates
21.6" - The ideal height for retinal scans