Spilluminati: Third-Eye Console

OPEN YOUR MIND (AND DRAWERS)
This is no mere coffee table - it's a modern altar for awakened minds. The Third-Eye Console combines forbidden geometry with practical storage, featuring four silent-gliding drawers that just happen to fit standard manila folders perfectly.

ILLUMINATION PROTOCOLS ACTIVATED

• 16 Chromatic Frequencies: From "Meditative White" to "Forbidden Violet" (color #13 appears only during retrograde)

• Dynamic Pulse Modes: Including "Truth Serum Strobe" and "Memory Wipe Fade"

• Auto-Dim Function: Activates when certain government vehicles pass by

DESIGNED FOR DISCERNING VISIONS
  35.4" x 19.7" High-Gloss Surface - reflects 97% of visible light (and 100% of prying eyes)
  Four Dimensional Pockets - each drawer calibrated to store:

• 11.4" x 14.3" documents (hypothetically)

• Crystal skull replicas (theoretically)

• Your "special" library (wink)
    57.76lbs Enlightenment Capacity - because wisdom has weight

OPERATIONAL ANOMALIES REPORTED

•  Remote responds to voice commands in Enochian
  
•  Surface remains mysteriously cool to the touch
  
•  LED patterns sync with nearby smart devices
  
•  Delivery arrives before you order it

INITIATION PACKAGE INCLUDES
☑ 1 Third-Eye Console (assembly = first test)
☑ 1 Consecrated Remote (batteries not included)
☑ Hexagonal Allen Wrench (standard issue)
☑ Manual with suspiciously blank pages

WARNING:
Prolonged exposure may cause:

• Spontaneous deja vu

• Unexplained WiFi signal boosts

• Your cat developing a thousand-yard stare

• Increased visits from "utility workers"